All I learned of Mothering...
As I look back on my life thus far, I can tell you that there were some wonderful women who taught me various things that being a Mother could mean. I learned from so many people that it is hard to know what it would have felt like to only have one person to turn to as most "normal" un-fostered children have, should only their birth or adoptive mothers be there for them.
In a way, I can see what it would have been like if my birth mother would have mothered me my whole life. Because I see the type of women and mothers that my sisters have become, and she did raise them so much more of their life than she raised me.
I have a broader net of people who helped me along the way, and for this I am both thankful and sad. I feel that as a mother myself, when I hold my youngest child, I want to do everything in the world to catch her tears, and tell her everything will be okay. She is so young that reason is beyond her realm of thinking right now, but one day I will teach her how to reason, and I will instruct her on the ways of this ever changing world, and the moments that I treasured as a young innocent child I will try to let her have more joy in as she too learns to enjoy life. It is amazing to me that sociologically we are raised in such a place as this "freedom fighting" America, yet some are so hesitant to step in and help strengthen our children of this nation.
Whether you are hurting as a child, teenager, or adult... hurt is still hurt, and confusion is still confusion. What do you do when your child falls down? As a mother I want to rush to my child's side and catch them, telling them everything is okay. I want to assess the damage and cure any pain they might have, ease any fear or disturbance in their life from this fall. But I learned that you can't just rush in and always try to fix it. I have learned through mothering myself that sometimes it takes so long to fix the pain.
Some pains take so long to be felt to begin with. As a child, my mother would slap me across the face, would curse me out, tell me how stupid I was. When I was bullied by her boyfriends, husbands or flavor of the weeks, she would side with them verbally and literally punish me for existing and being a menace to her life. As a mother myself, I could never feel those things towards my children.
Because I was never the one who could do anything right as the oldest child, I never want to make my child feel criticized. I did however, learn that accountability for actions is important, and I learned that you need to be able to be direct when you have something to say. I also learned that just because someone did something to you, it doesn't mean that you have any right to return the favor. I have learned the hard way that if you took most of the things my mother taught me by her actions or advice and did the opposite, your children will have a great chance at being wonderful people! I honestly know that there is nothing in this world more important to me than my children, and there is nothing I won't change about myself to be the best example for them. I am sad sometimes that I couldn't blame my lack of having my mother present in my life on drug abuse, mental incapacity, or death. She just wasn't interested in being selfless. Sometimes it was easier to tell myself that maybe she wasn't actually my "mother" to begin with. And sometimes it was the thing I cried myself to sleep about- why could someone have a sweet baby and not want to protect that child with their whole world? The day each of my children were born, I felt my heart grow just a bit more, as if making room for the overwhelming feeling of duty, pride and love for this innocent angel I was now responsible for. No matter what, each child I have carried into this universe was never mine to control, but more they were each mine to be accountable for. Nothing means more to me than knowing that I forever have altered my life by having a child, someone who sees my every move, hears my every word, and will follow my every lead. That is what mothering is- the ability to guide, not control. The ability to give ample room to grow, nurture their senses, and expand their knowledge without holding onto them too tight, and without letting what you desire in your own life to chain them down from what they can become as individuals. Mothering means you can take hold of a child, no matter the age, and open their heart, eyes, and ears. Teach them to open their mouths with confidence, and adapt to the ever changing situations that will definitely come into their life. When you are a "birth mother" and make the selfless decision to do what is at the time in that angel's best interest and let someone else "mother" your child... it is the most heartbreaking decision you will ever make. But something inside your mind will let you remember you are always part of that baby. And one day, that baby will have come to exist as a strong man or woman because you were selfless enough to give them the very best you could offer. As great as the fantasy feels at a young age, Love doesn't pay bills, Songs can't buy diapers, and sometimes a child isn't grown enough to be a mother. This doesn't mean that you aren't loved, should you be adopted, this only means that you are SO LOVED twice over.
It is even harder to be a Foster Mother. Knowing what I know of being a foster child at a late age in life, a foster mother can step in and love you, guide you, and nurture you so much that you will always feel loved, no matter how long or short your time with that woman will be.The harder part of being a foster mother is that your child has been put through pain already, anguish, anger, and so much turmoil that sometimes it seems too late.
Veronica, I am almost 30 years old, and I look back on all the pain I was in when you were loving me. I know it wasn't easy in the slightest, but you taught me what it will be to Mother a child at the age I was when you came into my world. You were a strong ethnic woman. You towered over me and hugged me til I cried, even though I was so broken, you tried and tried and tried. I can't imagine how hard it was to take me into your home, with your own children to care for, you added me to your list, and you gave me all you had to give. The pain of knowing that I was too weak to accept your love as true love, and your guidance as genuine, without reason... it makes me see what giving all you have as a mother really means. Even when I pushed myself away, you always were a mom to me. Never questioning your dedication is something I wish I could have done. But that is what growing is all about. The women who raised me, the therapists, staff, foster mothers, and older girls I lived with, you helped me be who I am becoming. Evermore do I appreciate the memories I have of certain conversations, which still are reminding me today of the women I admire, and the places I can go as a woman, and as a mother!
As I look back on my life thus far, I can tell you that there were some wonderful women who taught me various things that being a Mother could mean. I learned from so many people that it is hard to know what it would have felt like to only have one person to turn to as most "normal" un-fostered children have, should only their birth or adoptive mothers be there for them.
In a way, I can see what it would have been like if my birth mother would have mothered me my whole life. Because I see the type of women and mothers that my sisters have become, and she did raise them so much more of their life than she raised me.
I have a broader net of people who helped me along the way, and for this I am both thankful and sad. I feel that as a mother myself, when I hold my youngest child, I want to do everything in the world to catch her tears, and tell her everything will be okay. She is so young that reason is beyond her realm of thinking right now, but one day I will teach her how to reason, and I will instruct her on the ways of this ever changing world, and the moments that I treasured as a young innocent child I will try to let her have more joy in as she too learns to enjoy life. It is amazing to me that sociologically we are raised in such a place as this "freedom fighting" America, yet some are so hesitant to step in and help strengthen our children of this nation.
Whether you are hurting as a child, teenager, or adult... hurt is still hurt, and confusion is still confusion. What do you do when your child falls down? As a mother I want to rush to my child's side and catch them, telling them everything is okay. I want to assess the damage and cure any pain they might have, ease any fear or disturbance in their life from this fall. But I learned that you can't just rush in and always try to fix it. I have learned through mothering myself that sometimes it takes so long to fix the pain.
Some pains take so long to be felt to begin with. As a child, my mother would slap me across the face, would curse me out, tell me how stupid I was. When I was bullied by her boyfriends, husbands or flavor of the weeks, she would side with them verbally and literally punish me for existing and being a menace to her life. As a mother myself, I could never feel those things towards my children.
Because I was never the one who could do anything right as the oldest child, I never want to make my child feel criticized. I did however, learn that accountability for actions is important, and I learned that you need to be able to be direct when you have something to say. I also learned that just because someone did something to you, it doesn't mean that you have any right to return the favor. I have learned the hard way that if you took most of the things my mother taught me by her actions or advice and did the opposite, your children will have a great chance at being wonderful people! I honestly know that there is nothing in this world more important to me than my children, and there is nothing I won't change about myself to be the best example for them. I am sad sometimes that I couldn't blame my lack of having my mother present in my life on drug abuse, mental incapacity, or death. She just wasn't interested in being selfless. Sometimes it was easier to tell myself that maybe she wasn't actually my "mother" to begin with. And sometimes it was the thing I cried myself to sleep about- why could someone have a sweet baby and not want to protect that child with their whole world? The day each of my children were born, I felt my heart grow just a bit more, as if making room for the overwhelming feeling of duty, pride and love for this innocent angel I was now responsible for. No matter what, each child I have carried into this universe was never mine to control, but more they were each mine to be accountable for. Nothing means more to me than knowing that I forever have altered my life by having a child, someone who sees my every move, hears my every word, and will follow my every lead. That is what mothering is- the ability to guide, not control. The ability to give ample room to grow, nurture their senses, and expand their knowledge without holding onto them too tight, and without letting what you desire in your own life to chain them down from what they can become as individuals. Mothering means you can take hold of a child, no matter the age, and open their heart, eyes, and ears. Teach them to open their mouths with confidence, and adapt to the ever changing situations that will definitely come into their life. When you are a "birth mother" and make the selfless decision to do what is at the time in that angel's best interest and let someone else "mother" your child... it is the most heartbreaking decision you will ever make. But something inside your mind will let you remember you are always part of that baby. And one day, that baby will have come to exist as a strong man or woman because you were selfless enough to give them the very best you could offer. As great as the fantasy feels at a young age, Love doesn't pay bills, Songs can't buy diapers, and sometimes a child isn't grown enough to be a mother. This doesn't mean that you aren't loved, should you be adopted, this only means that you are SO LOVED twice over.
It is even harder to be a Foster Mother. Knowing what I know of being a foster child at a late age in life, a foster mother can step in and love you, guide you, and nurture you so much that you will always feel loved, no matter how long or short your time with that woman will be.The harder part of being a foster mother is that your child has been put through pain already, anguish, anger, and so much turmoil that sometimes it seems too late.
Veronica, I am almost 30 years old, and I look back on all the pain I was in when you were loving me. I know it wasn't easy in the slightest, but you taught me what it will be to Mother a child at the age I was when you came into my world. You were a strong ethnic woman. You towered over me and hugged me til I cried, even though I was so broken, you tried and tried and tried. I can't imagine how hard it was to take me into your home, with your own children to care for, you added me to your list, and you gave me all you had to give. The pain of knowing that I was too weak to accept your love as true love, and your guidance as genuine, without reason... it makes me see what giving all you have as a mother really means. Even when I pushed myself away, you always were a mom to me. Never questioning your dedication is something I wish I could have done. But that is what growing is all about. The women who raised me, the therapists, staff, foster mothers, and older girls I lived with, you helped me be who I am becoming. Evermore do I appreciate the memories I have of certain conversations, which still are reminding me today of the women I admire, and the places I can go as a woman, and as a mother!
